JUST AN ORANGE

I was completely captivated by this interview on Fresh Air,  about a new book by  L.A. Times journalist Steve  Lopez about his friendship with a homeless schizophrenic musician named Nathaniel Ayers.

The Book is: The Soloist: A Lost Dream, an Unlikely Friendship, and the Redemptive Power of Music.

There is a piece of music that we played in my junior high band. I don’t know what the name of it is, but if the triumphant opening measures ever come to my mind I find myself sitting in a hard plastic chair, with a battered black music stand in front of me, flute raised to my lips, arms raised to the sides of my body holding the flute. Our teacher taps on his stand with the baton, he raises his arms and his lips form around numbers he does not say, only mouths: and one, and two, and …Suddenly the entire room is filled with the rich sound of so many instruments playing their different part. I play, then rest, my flute on my lap, counting the beats in my head, nodding to my sheet music. I play again. The band has been working hard on this piece.

We are young; around fourteen. But in that moment we are something more, and it’s thrilling. Transcending the awkward beginnings of adolescence, we experience in this band room a synergy: a power greater than the sum of its parts. Somehow we achieve what we are constantly searching for in the locker-lined halls of our school. We experience the euphoria of belonging, in the most exquisite way.

It’s a belonging that goes beyond clothes, hairstyles and one’s love of NKOTB. The room is populated with more uncool than cool. The social rules, the invisible walls that keep us wary of one another and apart — the dirty jeans and unkempt T’s of the boys, the curled snarl of over-hairsprayed bangs of the girls; the designer jeans, the right way to curl your bangs — they fall away. For a few moments the uncomfortable banter we coolly play at during lunch break, accompanied by the cruel whispers and asides that haunt the hallways of every junior high, are non-existent.

We are carried away as we follow the notes, a measure at a time. We’re too young to understand all of this; to understand the beauty of everyone knowing their part and unabashedly playing it. We only recognize this thrill of creating music. And for the time being, that seems to be enough.

I have many callings. And I feel obliged to say that motherhood comes first (after all, that‘s all I can talk about at My Many Colored Days). But music, well music is a vital part of my existence. And I am so grateful that somebody is interested in how that came to be… (thank you Allysha)!

How does music fit into my life? Well, sometimes (just like any mother) it is merely a tool I use to lull my child to sleep, or even just to get him to brush his dadgum teeth. But, I love to play my violin for children. They are such a gracious audience… birthdays, class parties, or even just because there’s a Backyardigans song with violin accompaniment that would “sound so cool, Mom“! And occasionally, I am able to step back into familiar territory and play on stage, or for an event. Whatever the reason, music is an integral part of my life and relentlessly finds its way “in“.

I began studying the violin when I was 8 years old. I remember it vividly; I’d been begging my mother to let me play for years. She took me into a luthier’s shop… the smell of rosin will always return this memory for me. Rows of violins lined the walls: red ones, orange ones, yellow ones. Brand new shiny ones, dull, antique ones. And the sound the violin produced was perhaps the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I remember touching it, picking it up, practicing just holding it the right way - long before I ever carried a tune.

As an aside, music wasn’t my first love… I’d begun dancing a few years before I picked up the violin. But music held its own, and when I got to college, it won over my affection completely. By then I’d also been studying the viola, and consequently received my degree in viola performance and pedagogy (teaching). Following graduation, I freelanced at several recording studios, performing in a number of movies and trailors for Disney/Pixar Films, song artists’ albums (the Three Tenors is my claim to fame), commercials, soap operas - you name it. I toured Central Europe, subbed for the Utah Ballet orchestra and later the Honolulu Symphony. I taught both private lessons and at a private school. I fulfilled every musical curiosity and possibility and loved every minute of it.

When you are passionate about something, you can’t let go of it. Not even when your priorities take a pretty significant shift. This may not be my time or season for big performance opportunities, but music is here to stay. I have to admit though, it isn’t like riding a bike. If enough time has passed my fingers feel much like I am moving through water. I am currently preparing for a recital in a few short weeks, the first one in about 11 years. It didn’t take long for everything to remember what it’s supposed to do, though. And I think anyone who feels like they are just destined to do a certain thing with their life will agree that a higher power sometimes transcends your capabilities. I’ve had several sort of out-of-body experiences with my music - whether I’ve practiced for hours or not - where I really didn’t feel as if it was me that was playing, but like something or even someone else had taken over. It’s a grand feeling, to know that what you are doing is so vital to your existence that you will not fail at it. I have felt very much this way over the last couple months as I was invited to perform with my old university’s touring orchestra and now as I prepare to give this recital, and have little time to spare for proper warm-ups and ample rehearsal time. The music is well beyond the learning stage, though. And I am enjoying the stage where I seem to have a purpose to fulfill and where it fulfills me.

I love this quote: “Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.” Beethoven said that. I honestly believe there have been times when music has helped me understand something words could not. It definitely helps me FEEL things that words could not. So I can imagine the lives it has touched, the lives I have touched and have yet to touch, through music. I’ve read about the spiritual experiences that have come to those who‘ve composed the greatest works…Beethoven, Mozart, Bach. Igor Stravinsky said “I cannot separate the spiritual effort from the psychological and physical effort; they confront me on the same level and do not present a hierarchy.” It’s obvious that music itself serves a divine purpose; it is a staple in most forms of religious worship. The orchestra concert I recently performed in was in honor of one of my former viola professors. He was a deep, passionate, faithful man who used to encourage me with “Play as if you are gazing into the heavens!” It was heaven to hear him play, and I think he helped me to catch my own glimpse a time or two.

The untrained ear may tire of Pachelbel’s Canon, but not I, because I know the intricacies of successfully staggering three different voices on one melody. I’ve had to write a pandiatonic phrase of music and study hours upon hours worth of medieval chant. I forced myself to learn about jazz music and improvisation and what do you know, I have a knack for fusion. I still get excited over the Bach Double Violin Concerto even though it is the most overplayed solo and ensemble entry. Because it’s a rite of passage for violinists…it was my rite of passage. Music returns old memories, it taps into your senses, it generates emotions that need to surface. I have seen cold expressions become warm and hard exteriors soften through the effects of music. I‘ve watched babies become perfectly still at the remembrance of a song they‘d heard in the womb. I‘ve seen music comfort those that grieve and liven those that are ill. In my own life, it has carried me through and truly been a labor of love, like the children I am busy raising. I’ve turned to my instrument when I am depressed, when I am anxious, when I am happy. I’ve played it even when I didn’t want to, simply because it was there for me. I use my struggles and my triumphs to relay certain emotions when I perform. Music can be such a personal thing for both the performer and for the listener, serving both needs. How miraculous!

I believe there is little else that carries with it the same power, the same vast influence as music does, and I am grateful - ever so grateful - for the blessing it is in my life.

Musicians wrestle everywhere –
All day — among the crowded air
I hear the silver strife –
And — walking — long before the morn –
Such transport breaks upon the town
I think it that “New Life”!

If is not Bird — it has no nest –
Nor “Band” — in brass and scarlet — drest –
Nor Tamborin — nor Man –
It is not Hymn from pulpit read –
The “Morning Stars” the Treble led
On Time’s first Afternoon!

Some — say — it is “the Spheres” — at play!
Some say that bright Majority
Of vanished Dames — and Men!
Some — think it service in the place
Where we — with late — celestial face –
Please God — shall Ascertain!